Overcoming the Need to Please Others

My name is Brandi and I am a recovering people-pleaser. All jokes aside, it is insane how the desire to gain the acceptance of others can drastically affect our actions, thoughts, and feelings. If we are being honest with ourselves, our overall perspective can be tainted in our quest to please others. It can have an influence over our choices as we question what someone else might think. Does someone's opinion of you affect how you view yourself?

A mentor once told me, “You can please some of the people some of the time. You can please most of the people most of the time, but you cannot please all of the people all of the time.” We can run ourselves ragged in our attempt though, can’t we? People’s opinions shift like shadows. If we are clinging to others for acceptance or love, we will be shaken when their opinion of us shifts. It took me a while to get this, and I want to encourage you if you wrestle with it, too.

I don’t care what age you are, where you live, what you are into, we all want to be accepted. The lie within people-pleasing is: IF we act a certain way or perform at a certain level, we will be accepted. The truth is we are already seen, loved, and accepted. The good news is it isn’t based on anything you ever did or said. The Bible tells us, “but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). God, who knows all things about all people. He saw every single mistake you’d ever make and still loved you beyond measure to send his son to make a way for you to never be separated from him. You didn’t have to do anything to earn that love. It is because of who you are, his child, not what you said or did. We can’t earn true love like that. It is a gift. You don’t earn a gift.

I hope you find peace realizing you aren’t going to please all of the people all of the time. The relief is you were never meant to perform perfectly. You aren’t meant to perform at all. You were created to exist, to grow, to love, not behave like a computer script that runs all the right lines of code at exactly the right time. Perfection doesn’t exist (outside of Jesus).

But like with any weed, you have to heave it from its root or else it will grow back. So what does your desire to please others stem from? I’m not making this a therapy session, but keeping it real. Real growth takes getting to the source and replacing a lie with truth. For me, I thought that if I made people laugh they would like me and want to stick around. That stems from a deeply rooted fear of the people I love leaving me. That lie changed how I interacted with people, pushed me to feel like I have to perform in every social interaction. It was on me if people liked me and stuck around. That’s a lie. A lie that affected me for decades (it starts young sometimes, doesn’t it?) The root of people-pleasing could very well be different for you. Take some time and get to the source.

The thing about lies is you have to know the truth in order to see a lie for what it is and dismantle it. There is one genuine source of truth and it is God’s word, the Bible. Jesus said, “I am the way, the truth and the life” (John 14:6).

Here are some truths that will obliterate the “need” to people-please:

• “And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love.” (Romans 8:38)

• “It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” (Deuteronomy 31:8) No matter what, God will never leave you. He is not like a human who could lie or break a promise. That promise stands for you forever.

• “Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear.” (1 John 4:18) Your mistakes don’t make you less valued or loved. That fear is rooted in a lie. Perfect love casts out all fear.

• “For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.” (Ephesians 2:8-9) See, it is nothing you could do or say to make God love you more or less. It is not of your own doing; it is a gift.

• “And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep His love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully.” (Ephesians 3:18-19) God’s love for you goes deeper than you can even comprehend, deeper than the love you have experienced from anyone else.

There are far more than these. My prayer for you is that you will find peace and confidence, resting in the person that God made you to be. There is no one else like you. You weren’t created to act like everyone else. The creator of the universe looked at his handiwork through all space and time and still desired to create you. Not because of anything you would ever say or do, simply for who you are to him. Rest in that. Stop feeling the need to perform for anyone else. You are loved beyond measure, and nothing you could do could ever change that.